Tag: writing

Something To Think About

Published on by ohlala80Leave a comment

Everywhere we go, everything we set our eyes on, we immediately are greeted by someone trying to capture the moment on his/her phone. Am I that someone? On many occasions yes I am. I am guilty of spending too much time on my phone, of taking way too many photos, of wanting to share my daily routines with my friends. I can only speak for myself when I say I get a sense of joy out of sharing my simple yet pleasurable life with those I care about. Although, my social media is limited to mostly people I know well and looking back on my posts I truly feel that alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with a wonderful life. I am a visual person and for me, looking back at my social media I am reminded to be thankful of how blessed I truly am.

However I’ve realized that in recent years and especially with the younger generations, taking pictures and sharing them has become a form of competition. A competition of who has the more lavish life, who has the most friends, who owns more brands and who travels more… so here I ask the question what has social media become to those people? Is it making them happier or is it making them more anxious? And the most thing I wonder about is has it truly become a competition?

Unfortunately today there’s a fine line between sharing and boasting. A fine line between having a good life and showing a good life. A fine line between what’s personal and what isn’t. It makes me sad sometimes to see that my culture that was honored by its conservativeness has suddenly become a spectacle for all to see on social media. Weddings have become spectacles, trips have become boastings, personal belongings have become something to show and compare with others. I fear that the happiness my social media gives me may in fact be making other people miserable.

So this is something to think about. What is social media to you? What do you think it is selling you? Are you gaining or are you losing with social media? What does your social media content reflect about you and has your life become a visual reminder to be grateful or has it become a spectacle displayed purely to compete? Think about it…

Why Me?

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When one of life’s misfortunes strike so many mixed emotions follow. It could be bad news, a financial struggle, health issues, loss of a loved one, failure at school or work… We’ve all been there and we’ve all had to battle some sort of misfortune… the list goes on…

At first the news washes over you like a gush of cold water, washing your entire body and soul with a sensation of shock and disbelief as nothing has prepared you for what’s happening. Your heart starts racing, beating like it could tear through your chest, your palms start sweating, your head becomes light, your breath becomes heavier and suddenly everything is spinning. The room, your thoughts, the past, the present everything morphs into one giant hurricane spinning around you as you try in vain to grasp whatever you can to avoid being blown away. Inevitably you start pondering about the unexpected misfortune while the questions start flooding in… How could this happen? Why did this happen? Why me? What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? And the worst question of it all is why isn’t it happening to somebody else? So many questions start rising as one starts reaching out for closure over what’s taking place. Fear and disbelief turn into anger and rage. You try to regain your breath you try to stop the spinning as you allow the calamity to wash over you… and then the tears start pouring… like the rain… slowly washing away at your broken soul.

Everybody talks about the misfortunes that come with life’s tribulations… No one talks about all the things you gain… No one talks about the realization of how strong you discover you truly are. There’s a strength in you that you never knew existed… Suddenly everythig becomes more clear. You learn who your true friends are as masks are suddenly shed away. You gain perspective of things; suddenly the matters that used to consume you like having a shortage of help, debt, missing a vacation, a messy home, stubborn children, a difficult boss, extra weight… all seem secondary. Nothing is troubling you as much as the tribulation taking place right now and everything else that used to trouble you in the past, all of a sudden seem so small.. Oh what you would give to go back to life before the tribulation. You learn how fickle life is, that there is no certainty except for the certainty of God Al Mighty and you become more pious. 

When I asked myself why me? What did I do wrong and is this a punishment I came to the realization that all the prophets who were almost as pure as the angels went through major calamities themselves… and that thought comforted me… perhaps I was being cleansed… perhaps I was gaining perspective… perhaps it was another reminder that this life is temporary and that nothing in this life truly belongs to us… It all belongs to God Al Mighty. The prophets in Islam and in many other religions went through several calamities and tribulations but were always protected by the Al Mighty so what makes us think we are any better with all our sins? 

If I can give one word of advice after what I’ve experienced it is to allow the feelings of confusion, the rage, the disbelief, the questions allow all of it.. allow the shock, allow it all to wash all over you and after you are done mourning and after your breathing stabilizes and your heart beat starts going back to a normal rhythm then you can ask the ultimate question which is this, What do I need to do to take care of myself in order to move forwards with this. How do I cope? How do I ask for help when I need it? Cause like it or not life, your family, your friends, time, they all move forwards, nothing is going to stop for your misfortune… True friends will sympathize, family will offer warm support but only you and you alone can truly lift yourself up and face the storm. You must rise above this misfortune. You must take care of yourself and make the best of the situation. You learn to return to God. At first it is inconceivable that there is a best to the situation. At first it feels like it’s the end… the end of everything. However something magical does happen… suddenly… and without expecting it everything else in life seems small… what you used to agonize about suddenly becomes secondary as now your entire focus is on the calamity you are experiencing and how to get through it. The magical thing is that you will make it through. You learn to relinquish control and surrender all to God and to trust God and trust yourself that you will get through it just as everyone around you has gone through theirs. Keep hopeful and enjoy living. Be more intentional about your life and choose to live in the present for this is the only thing you can control. Be grateful and thankful for the strength you never knew you had, for the lessons you are learning and for the small and the big pleasures in life that you once took for granted. You will get through this.

The good news is nothing lasts forever, the bad news is nothing lasts forever.

The Awakening

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As I’ve gotten older, a little wiser, a little calmer, many things have and come into perspective. I’ve started to become more conscious and more aware of myself and of the unhealthy patterns and beliefs I grew up with. One of the major revelations was how I was an immense pleaser conditioned to believing that others always came first. That if I excelled and others were pleased with me then I was a good person worthy of love and if I didn’t then I failed and was inferior. These thoughts and beliefs that I grew up believing, wether consciously or unconsciously were in fact sabotaging and detrimental to my life.

Reflecting back at my childhood I start to recognize how that pattern of being a pleaser might have emerged. I was born in Cairo and when I briefly returned back to my home country I remember being picked on at school and amongst my extended family for having a funny accent and for not appearing too local. When I became a teen my father was relocated again and to a beautiful, small, Arab country in the North of Africa called Tunisia where I owe a big portion of my adolescent years. Throughout my education in Tunisia and even when I moved to Brussels to complete my high school I was almost always one of the only Arabs at school. It was compulsory for me to learn French and learning French made my life easier in both countries. One can say I had a well rounded and interesting upbringing immersed in wonderful different cultures, beautiful countries and lovely experiences. Today there’s a term for people like me raised abroads, picking up different cultures and traditions along the way; they call us ‘Third Cutlire Kids’.. So due to being raised in different counties, amongst people who were different from me, away from my home country and extended family I learned the hard way that if you weren’t friendly and accommodating you ended up with no friends and felt alienated.

I returned to finally reside in my home country the UAE in college. I was 18 and I struggled with my identity at first. Again there was a lot of re adaptation to learn. I was a wide eyed and curious girl yearning to finally fit in and feel like I belonged with those around me. Yearning to feel that I was finally home. It was ironic because living abroad I was perceived as being too Arab and being in my country I was perceived as being too western. My openness and friendliness that I needed to cope in my life abroad were met with reservation and skepticism over here. Thankfully I became blessed with a wonderful group of friends in college who helped me and supported me in fitting in. I still have a special bond with those friends to this day.

I got engaged while still in college and being young and in love I went out of my way to be everything my fiancée’s heart desired. I never had a brother and my father as much as he loved and spoilt me was always away on business. My fiancées protectiveness of me was flattering and I wanted to be everything to him… hence I became a pleaser even more. After college when things got overwhelming as they tend to when you’re still so young, still trying to secure a job, be a wife and raise a child I would go down shame spirals getting depressed. I felt that if I couldn’t do it all then I failed.. I never thought of myself as simply human.

When I went through rough patches that normal people went through in life I felt inadequate. My lack of confidence and lack of belief in myself started to reflect on my face and actions. I felt insecure around other women and I constantly doubted myself. I doubted myself as a woman, I doubted myself as a mother, I even doubted myself as a wife… today I understand that a big part of that was because moving constantly from place to place and then getting engaged and married soon after never really gave me enough time to grow and learn who I truly was. My colorful and rich upbringing became a distant memory as I constantly felt I had to comply. I became a hollow outer shell of the lively girl I used to be.

Today and after struggling for several years, after my children have grown and life has become calmer and more stable allowing me to sit and reflect on myself I share with you four imporant lessons I learned that have changed my life tremendously. Lessons and revelations that took me years to comprehend and here I shall summarize them for you.

First, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. God created us human, perfect amongst all our imperfections, knowing that humans are fallible. So let’s have more compassion on ourselves and on each other, perfection is an exaggeration.

Second, surround yourself with people who uplift you, who support you, people you can learn useful things from. I was blessed to have such people around me, people whose friendship continues to make me flourish. The company you keep is very important that the prophet himself pbuh gave careful advice as to who we befriend and whom we surround ourselves with as that truly does affect us.

Third boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries are different from barriers. Boundaries express the will to honor and accept others while drawing the line that prevents them from negatively interfering or dictating your life.

Fourth and final revelation, being tolerant and respectful of others does not mean having to accept nor serve nor like everyone. You yourself can be the most perfect, most delightful peach and someone will still have a problem with peaches. This has everything to do with them not liking peaches and nothing to do with you. When you’ve reached that stage of maturity where you know, accept and love yourself wholeheartedly an abundance forms. This abundance will overflow from you giving you the capacity to love, accept and nourish others be it family or friends.

In conclusion to this month’s memoire on awareness and self reflection I remind you that life can be unpredictable and you will need your strength and your confidence to face this challenging, unpredictable yet still beautiful world. Knowing and having faith in yourself and in God unfolds the beauty and love around you. Life is a present so lets try to live it fully while resting assured that God is all merciful and all forgiving. In the morning when you wake up remind yourself of the wonderful human being that you are and of how far you’ve come and of how much you’ve learned and achieved. You are a fighter and you are a lover through all your ups and downs. Breath, draw a smile on your face and fill your heart with gratitude for you are as important and deserving of all the love and compassion and acceptance you so freely give to others.

Happy holidays, love and peace from my heart to yours.