As I’ve gotten older, a little wiser, a little calmer, many things have and come into perspective. I’ve started to become more conscious and more aware of myself and of the unhealthy patterns and beliefs I grew up with. One of the major revelations was how I was an immense pleaser conditioned to believing that others always came first. That if I excelled and others were pleased with me then I was a good person worthy of love and if I didn’t then I failed and was inferior. These thoughts and beliefs that I grew up believing, wether consciously or unconsciously were in fact sabotaging and detrimental to my life.

Reflecting back at my childhood I start to recognize how that pattern of being a pleaser might have emerged. I was born in Cairo and when I briefly returned back to my home country I remember being picked on at school and amongst my extended family for having a funny accent and for not appearing too local. When I became a teen my father was relocated again and to a beautiful, small, Arab country in the North of Africa called Tunisia where I owe a big portion of my adolescent years. Throughout my education in Tunisia and even when I moved to Brussels to complete my high school I was almost always one of the only Arabs at school. It was compulsory for me to learn French and learning French made my life easier in both countries. One can say I had a well rounded and interesting upbringing immersed in wonderful different cultures, beautiful countries and lovely experiences. Today there’s a term for people like me raised abroads, picking up different cultures and traditions along the way; they call us ‘Third Cutlire Kids’.. So due to being raised in different counties, amongst people who were different from me, away from my home country and extended family I learned the hard way that if you weren’t friendly and accommodating you ended up with no friends and felt alienated.

I returned to finally reside in my home country the UAE in college. I was 18 and I struggled with my identity at first. Again there was a lot of re adaptation to learn. I was a wide eyed and curious girl yearning to finally fit in and feel like I belonged with those around me. Yearning to feel that I was finally home. It was ironic because living abroad I was perceived as being too Arab and being in my country I was perceived as being too western. My openness and friendliness that I needed to cope in my life abroad were met with reservation and skepticism over here. Thankfully I became blessed with a wonderful group of friends in college who helped me and supported me in fitting in. I still have a special bond with those friends to this day.

I got engaged while still in college and being young and in love I went out of my way to be everything my fiancée’s heart desired. I never had a brother and my father as much as he loved and spoilt me was always away on business. My fiancées protectiveness of me was flattering and I wanted to be everything to him… hence I became a pleaser even more. After college when things got overwhelming as they tend to when you’re still so young, still trying to secure a job, be a wife and raise a child I would go down shame spirals getting depressed. I felt that if I couldn’t do it all then I failed.. I never thought of myself as simply human.

When I went through rough patches that normal people went through in life I felt inadequate. My lack of confidence and lack of belief in myself started to reflect on my face and actions. I felt insecure around other women and I constantly doubted myself. I doubted myself as a woman, I doubted myself as a mother, I even doubted myself as a wife… today I understand that a big part of that was because moving constantly from place to place and then getting engaged and married soon after never really gave me enough time to grow and learn who I truly was. My colorful and rich upbringing became a distant memory as I constantly felt I had to comply. I became a hollow outer shell of the lively girl I used to be.

Today and after struggling for several years, after my children have grown and life has become calmer and more stable allowing me to sit and reflect on myself I share with you four imporant lessons I learned that have changed my life tremendously. Lessons and revelations that took me years to comprehend and here I shall summarize them for you.

First, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. God created us human, perfect amongst all our imperfections, knowing that humans are fallible. So let’s have more compassion on ourselves and on each other, perfection is an exaggeration.

Second, surround yourself with people who uplift you, who support you, people you can learn useful things from. I was blessed to have such people around me, people whose friendship continues to make me flourish. The company you keep is very important that the prophet himself pbuh gave careful advice as to who we befriend and whom we surround ourselves with as that truly does affect us.

Third boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries are different from barriers. Boundaries express the will to honor and accept others while drawing the line that prevents them from negatively interfering or dictating your life.

Fourth and final revelation, being tolerant and respectful of others does not mean having to accept nor serve nor like everyone. You yourself can be the most perfect, most delightful peach and someone will still have a problem with peaches. This has everything to do with them not liking peaches and nothing to do with you. When you’ve reached that stage of maturity where you know, accept and love yourself wholeheartedly an abundance forms. This abundance will overflow from you giving you the capacity to love, accept and nourish others be it family or friends.

In conclusion to this month’s memoire on awareness and self reflection I remind you that life can be unpredictable and you will need your strength and your confidence to face this challenging, unpredictable yet still beautiful world. Knowing and having faith in yourself and in God unfolds the beauty and love around you. Life is a present so lets try to live it fully while resting assured that God is all merciful and all forgiving. In the morning when you wake up remind yourself of the wonderful human being that you are and of how far you’ve come and of how much you’ve learned and achieved. You are a fighter and you are a lover through all your ups and downs. Breath, draw a smile on your face and fill your heart with gratitude for you are as important and deserving of all the love and compassion and acceptance you so freely give to others.

Happy holidays, love and peace from my heart to yours.