All my life I’ve been unsure of myself.. Gaining acceptance outwardly was imperative to me because I couldn’t accept myself inwardly. I masked my vulnerability and self doubt in makeup and designer clothes and the latest trends. Today I realize that my perfect physical appearance was a cover to mask my imperfect inner appearance. Not feeling comfortable with myself I went to extremes to make sure others felt comfortable with me. I gave every friend I knew the validation they needed to receive because I never received validation for myself. Someone once described me as a satellite receptor picking up signals of other people’s emotions and feeling them as my own. Other people’s struggles pained me as they reminded me of my own and I tried hard to help them through them. For me pleasing and feeling needed by others secured me a spot in their lives so I could escape mine. I feared abandonment, I feared rejection, I feared being left behind, that’s why I strived hard to make everyone else come first. My goal was to make everyone feel like their life was better with me in it.

Even as a mother and wife I doubted myself. I pushed myself to extremes, reading all the new parenting and relationship books and trying to apply all the modern techniques onto my life and home. Today there’s so much pressure in achieving a standard of perfection that anything else is seen as a draw back. I took on more than I could handle. I got burnt out and missed out on the enjoyment of just being present with my children and family. Like me, my children and my life had to look impeccable leaving all the messy business behind. Striving for perfection in my personal life was affecting my outer life. I couldn’t put on that perfect outer facade for long. The people closest to me saw my struggles and knew my imperfectionsand some of them even used them against me making me loath myself even more. I became defensive, irritable and guarded. I reached a point where I engaged in unhealthy habits of self harm, cause harming myself gave me a sense of control. It pained me that those who mattered to me the most couldn’t understand my struggles. I believed if those around me weren’t happy it was my fault especially when it came to the people I love.

So this months message is for anyone out there who makes it a duty to put others first. Those who were told growing up that they had to be the better person no matter how much they were wronged by others. To those who were raised to believe that to be worthy of love one had to be compliant and obedient living up to the expectations of others. To those who blame themselves for failed relationships, loss of loved ones and other people’s dissatisfactions. Those who had to be strong under extreme pressure and were only noticed after falling apart.

Sometimes it is during the darkest moments in our lives that a revelation occurs. Sometimes things need to breakdown for better things to be put together. Things start to become clearer and you see the self destructive habits you engaged in as a coping mechanism.

If you are someone seeking outward validation from others, unsure of your own worth, accepting less than you deserve while presenting a false facade of perfection you are not alone. I hear you, I know you, I am you. When you crumble and feel that no one can lift you up, trust yourself first that you can do it. The world doesn’t stop at your suffering your suffering is what stops your world. It’s time to give yourself the love and validation that you so freely give to others and the only apology you owe is to yourself for putting yourself last. Those who claim to know more about your life telling you that you’re not trying hard enough or aren’t doing things right haven’t lived your life nor felt your pain. Forgive those who hurt you cause more often than not they are hurt themselves and are perpetuating that cycle on to others. Please stop hiding behind expensive clothes and fancy cars because “you” are worthy enough without those extra touches. Know this, the world is a better place because you are in it. May the gentle all mighty God who bestowed only the best upon us guide us to regain the parts of ourselves we lost living in fear and doubt.